It’s always a little scary to do something new, but when it’s something you’ve been dreaming about and wanting for most of your life… I think it’s okay to be a little scared – as long as you still do what you’ve been dreaming about all along.
It’s been amazing to me all the things that have happened that are making this dream possible. Some of the things I’ve experienced have not exactly been positive – like getting divorced, having my kids be away from me every other week, having to leave the fruits of my home, having my parents gone on a mission while all of this was happening, having seizures, and not being able to drive, dealing with the court system and worrying about money, trying to find and keep jobs, when all I really want was to be able to stay home with my children. There’s been so many hard challenges and things that that have happened that you would wonder how anything good could ever come out of it.
At the same time, I’ve had so many blessings and help from people than I ever could have possibly imagined. God has been working through others to help take care of me, send me love and offer assistance in so many ways that I have needed. Neighbors have kindly given me a home in their basement to live in. They have become my parents, while mine have been away and I will forever be indebted to them! Church members have cared for me and offered me rides and assistance when I was having my seizures and couldn’t take care of myself. So much love was offered when I couldn’t drive and needed so much help from others. My parents were able to Skype with me and help me emotionally as I needed them. My son has been well and happy on his mission. I’m building back trust with my children after a divorce, and things are starting to get a little better. I was given scholarships that allowed me to meet amazing people and receive mentoring that has helped me rediscover who I am. God has been taking care of me financially through jobs and others that he has brought me into contact with. I am making friends with other singles and know there is still hope of future happiness. The greatest blessing is that God is whispering that it’s okay to start sharing my music. It’s finally becoming that “season”.
I remember feeling the call to share my music earlier, but the whispering I kept getting from the spirit was that it wasn’t time yet. I needed to keep my focus on my children. It was frustrating then, I thought I could do both. How grateful I am that I listened and waited. With everything I experienced in the court system, it’s very possible that I might have lost custody of my children had I ignored the prompting. No one can dispute the fact that I was a vigilant, loving mother. My children have always been my priority, and they will continue to be.
I shared my “Beauty Queen” song on a live video on my Facebook page. People liked it and it gave me some courage that it would be okay to start sharing. I feel God’s hand directing my path. He’s got some plan for me, though I’m not exactly sure what it is yet. I was talking with some of my singer/songwriter friends that I used to perform with when my children were very young. We are all in the same type of place, feeling the call to share our music.
We’ve decided to start an inspirational music podcast. We’re going to do it on Facebook live. I’m so excited about it. I’ve always loved performing and sharing the stories behind my songs. It’s even more fun to do it with friends. I think people will like it.
I’d love to invite you to watch it on Facebook. Our first event is Sunday, February 5th. You can watch it from the comfort of your own home. Here’s the link for where to find it: https://www.facebook.com/inspirationalmusicpodcast/
Thanks for being with me on this journey. I so appreciate all your support. Enjoy the music,
I haven’t written very much about my messy divorce, but as of a few days ago, the paperwork was finally finished, decisions were made, and I was finally able to move into a place where I could begin again. Custody of our children was determined to be 50/50. I wish I could be with my kids all the time, but when they aren’t with me, I’m getting the chance to figure out who I am and who I want to be. It’s been good for me and something I didn’t have a lot of time to worry or think much about before.
Moving has been a hard challenge. My parents have been away on a mission to Argentina, and I haven’t had a lot of family available to help. We moved from a large 7 bedroom house to a much smaller 3 bedroom basement and I couldn’t drive at all to get from one place to the other. I haven’t had any more seizures, but I still can’t drive for a couple more weeks. I’ve been so grateful for good visiting teachers, Relief Society Presidents and tons of priesthood support and friends that have helped me get through. The help I’ve received has truly been amazing. The Lord has blessed me and I’m grateful for the miracles He’s sent along the way.
I’ve been through a range of emotions. From hope, to depressed, to anger, to finally acceptance. I don’t think it’s been as bad as I’ve heard other people go through, but it’s still been hard none-the less. I’ve been grateful that most of the time, I’ve felt peace. The anger only lasted for a few days. It kind of caught me off guard, but I was told I needed to feel that to be able to move on. I feel like I’m finally accepting that I’m divorced and can move forward again. One of the things I’ve felt strongly about was that I needed to share my story. I’ve felt that the whole time, even from before I got separated. Now that I’m divorced, I finally have the time to do that.
This weekend I went on a camping trip with some single adults. It’s been a new experience for me, and it’s been different getting to know what it’s like to be single. One thing I’ve really been impressed with, is how much these single friends seem to know who they are and what they want to do with their life. The people I’ve talked to have definitely had their trials, but with the exception of getting married, they are accomplishing their dreams and becoming the person they want to be.
I don’t even know who that is yet. I was married when I was only eighteen. I had children right away – seven of them. My only dreams for the future were to become a musical actress, but that didn’t fit well as I also wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. I’ve never regretted that decision, but now that I have every other week to myself, I have the opportunity to re-examine and figure out what dreams I really want to pursue. It’s kind of exciting not knowing what’s ahead. There are so many possibilities.
I’ve decided that as awful as this divorce has been, it’s not the end, and it certainly does not have to define me. This is just a new chapter in a half finished book, where the best parts are yet to come. God is the best orchestrator, creator and author I’ve ever known. I can hardly wait to see what He has planned for me next. Stay tuned…
Today I was cutting back my grapes. I had branches running up the side of my house and extending all over the walls. I couldn’t believe they had thrived so much after being cut back so severely earlier in the year. It was only a couple branches that I had to redirect, but I knew next year I would have fruit like crazy and it would all be perfectly centered all over my grape arbor, where it had been a problem before.
I only cut one growing clump of grapes. Other than that, I really didn’t even hurt the growing plant. Next year it would thrive. I couldn’t help but see the analogy in how much God has been doing something similar with me.
These last two years or so have been pretty hard. It’s felt like I’ve been cut back hard – too hard. How was a stay-at-home mother of 7 children all of the sudden expected to be able to provide and support her family, take care of her children, the house and everything else on a minuscule allowance that was making it impossible to be home with her children? It didn’t seem possible.
I still don’t know how everything will work out, but I know that God has been redirecting branches, making room for fruit, and figuring out ways I can thrive. He really hasn’t cut off too many pieces of growing fruit. It’s all still there for growing when I finally have some time and a place. I’m looking forward to that day and time.
Divorce isn’t easy. Being a single parent is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I have empathy now that I never could have understood before. I’m grateful for the learning that has come because of this. Hopefully, even though I’ll probably have to move soon, I’ll be able to enjoy the fruit that comes later on from efforts and labors. Have you ever been cut back, but then were able to thrive? I’d love to hear your story.
Do you remember those choose your own adventure novels where you got to pick what happened and still things surprised you?
I loved those books. My kids and I want to make some videos where you can pick what happens and they get to act out all the different possibilities for you to choose between. I think it will be fun. The kids went back to their dad’s house today for another week. I already miss them, and I’m glad that we have a project we can work on even while they are away. It’s hard to be away from them for so long. It seems wrong. It was never something I asked for or wanted.
I had to go to court for another hearing today. Our divorce is finalized but nothing else really is. I’m grateful I had a lawyer today. With my brain still recovering from the seizure I had a week ago, I’m still not thinking really well. For awhile, I didn’t have a lawyer and I was totally on my own going pro se. It was another adventurous chapter I had chosen. Some chapters I’m glad are over, some chapters, I still feel like I’m still wondering what’s going to happen.
Because of the seizure I can’t drive again for another 3 months at the very earliest, as long as I don’t have any more seizures. You can’t imagine how much you take your ability to drive for granted, and how often you do it. I was grateful for a willing and wonderful visiting teacher who was wiling to drive me to the court house today. Later tonight, I wanted to go to a mid-singles adult family home evening activity. I had just started attending the activities and I thought it would be fun to go. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get a ride. I think people couldn’t figure out “why” I could possibly need a ride. Maybe they thought I was fishing for a date??
Oh-well, I don’t know that I’m ready to start dating again anyway. My ex-husband is already married again, and so is the only other guy that I was even slightly interested in. My ‘”Choose your own adventure story” feels like it’s just getting started. I have no idea where it’s going. I’d sure love to hear some ideas of where you think it might lead me.